What Men Really Want In Modern Relationships

Tips on what's really on men's minds when it comes to love and sex

Women often say that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. The Armed Forces and Space programs quite rightly have very highly qualified career women working in their departments and in most aspects of industry, women excel. The old male bastions are crumbling and with them their innate self respect as well as their understanding of how they should act and what they desire.

Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.

Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. "Starting" is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.

Okay so what is a man seeking?

• First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.

• Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.

• Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.

• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.

• Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

• Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.

• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.

• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.

• Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.

• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.

• Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.

• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.

• Men don't want to be alone.

This column can easily fire a great debate. The fact is, a modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.

While women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.

Lazy Men: Remove Their Comfort Zone

How to turn your bum into a gentleman

One of the biggest criticisms of men is that they are lazy, they get too complacent, far too comfortable, especially in relationships. They think they have got you and think they can keep you with the minimal amount of effort. And to be honest, they often manage it. Why? Because you let them. By the time you have woken up to the fact that your new man is not trying, its often too late to change things, or him. You can of course leave him and often you do, but only after your man has wasted months of your relationships time.

So why does it happen in the first place? Well men are designed like hunters. They like hunting, generally in packs and sometimes alone. Either way, they are doing the chasing for women like you. The problem arrives like a bolt of lightening when they wake up one day with you beside them and realize that they have got you and you appear content. Appear being the operative word. They are in a relationship with you and the chasing has stopped (or so they think). Take away a man's raison d'être and what have you got, a lazy man.

Remember that I blamed you. Well of course that's only partially true. But the fact is, if you don't keep your man standing on quicksand, he will lay down and go to sleep. As a man likes to chase, he likes to feel he has achieved greatness by achieving you as his girlfriend. Once he has done that he will proudly display his trophy and be content. He will set about creating his idea of perfect domestic bliss and being loved-up you will go along with it. What you may not realize is that you are putting up with a lot of crap along the way in the early stages. You may well know it , but unless you have kept him in check some ground rules may have been set. To become his mother is not the path to relationship heaven.

The question is, can you keep him on his toes. Can you keep him wanting you as if he was fighting for his life? Of course you can, you just need to do it that's all. He is going to call you at work and ask what time you are home. He is going to make assumptions that you are doing some things he likes this weekend. He will assume you love spending your weekend with his nieces and nephews. You are going to let him do that? Of course not. You are going to make him worry. Unnecessarily of course because you love him. But this is for his and your own good before it is too late.

The path to relationship heaven with a man is to make him work for you, to date you, to want you, as if you were the only woman to walk the earth. You do that by changing his expectations and goalposts continually after you have become a couple. To settle in to domestic routine is to allow him to move into a comfort zone you will later regret. At first you may feel you want that too. You both want to be domesticated and fall into a routine. But then you will panic.

Who does the washing, cleaning and ironing ? Was it decided that you were the best at it? When you first met him, his shirts were perfectly laundered and you didn't do them then. Who said you could cook better than him? Remember that perfect meal he made you on your third date? Where did those culinary skills go? Remember getting up at 6am to make you a surprise breakfast in bed, who said that had to stop? Little by little, you begin collecting his socks from the floor by the bed, you turn the TV off after he has fallen asleep on the sofa at 11pm. You pick him up from the bar after his regular night out with his buddies. And you blame him for getting comfortable? Okay , so it is time to do something about it.

You don't need to change your man if you start early enough, because he is there for the molding. Men are starting to be aware that women implant ideas in their heads and let the guy take the credit but they are not yet generally advanced enough to make an issue of this. So plant away all you like. He will accept. The fact is, you need to ensure your man is never ever allowed to lay down flat in the comfort zone. Every now and again you have to stir things up and be as equal in ground rules from the very start, as he. Ignore this at your peril.

How many times have you heard men say, I only realized how much I love you after I lost you? That is because their comfort zone was rudely removed and they woke up. So your task is to not allow them to go to sleep in the first place. We all want a quiet life with no head games. We don't need to play carefully constructed games as we get older? Ehm, I think you will find that you do. Nice games, but games that allow you to mature together before your relationship falls apart. You can be comfortable after 40 years of marriage in your dotage like your parents but to reach that point you better make sure that your man never takes you for granted. Not unless you want a life of unfulfillment.

Men will and do take their girls for granted because they are allowed to get away with it. By the same token, men love to chase their girls and feel huge pride in loving a real catch. To be the real catch you have to keep him fishing. And from time to time you need to get him to change the bait on his hook. Why would he look elsewhere at another women if he is constantly wanting and needing you? Let him take you for granted and watch what happens! So it is down to you to make that happen, to keep him chasing you. You could argue that you want a lazy life too and don't want to get the man you love to stand on quicksand. Fair enough, the problem is you will realize all too late that you are not happy with your later situation and by then, maybe it's too late.

To keep your man interested and chasing you may want to follow some of the tips here:

* Keep him out of his comfort zone by making rules early on, even if he doesn't like them
* Make sure he realizes just how desirable you are to others
* Never become lazy yourself
* Don't be at his beck and call
* Ensure you retain your friends, interests, vacations and activities to a degree
* Never allow him to think you are reliant on him
* Keep some of your finances separate
* Don't always return his phone calls
* Don't allow him to know what you are thinking all the time
* Socialize without him occasionally
* All domestic duties are shared, no excuses
* Threaten to dump him occasionally
* Use all your womanly powers that you employ so well in the early stages of dating
* Change your mind about things occasionally and keep him guessing
* Ensure you retain male friends you had before
* Find his weak spots and use them when need be
* Do not run around after him
* Get him to do the laundry
* Go on vacation with your friends

A relationship is equal through and through. Let him get the upper hand and allow him to become too comfortable and he will abuse the situation. Just make sure you don't allow it to happen in the first place.